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Another  Mystery Conclusively Solved

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Another  Mystery Conclusively Solved

Heads up, Guardsman!

There have been various reports in your sector from several worried Guardsman concerning a number of mysterious events in your current campaign. We?ve had countless letters from Guardsmen* about encampments of the Archenemy found abandoned, with all combatants having apparently fled and then been torn apart. While initial reports would lead us to believe that a wild beast, like an Ambull, was responsible for the carnage, Ambulls are not known for their proficiency with headshots, use of improvised explosives, or carving ?death to traitors? into solid rockcrete with a knife. Our brave journalistic staff have been sparing no effort to determine the culprit, travelling from as far as the departmental library (an arduous journey that requires not one, but two flights of stairs) and as wide as the departmental kitchen (where they brave scalding liquids and chit-chat with lessers merely to refresh themselves with a warm beverage).

Following our hard work, the Regimental Standard has provided three theories. Please consult your Commissar for which is deemed most officially plausible.

  1. The Archenemy have betrayed one another!

Tactical cohesion is notoriously poor among the Heretic Astartes, who, addicted to the forbidden thrill of treachery**, frequently turn on each other due to petty internal feuding. A Chaos Space Marine will think nothing of shooting his fellow in the head, even when said fellow is not fleeing or outranks him – truly, these traitors are barbarians!

RegStdNov22-CSM

  1. A Contingent of Adeptus Astartes are operating near us in secret!

The sheer scale of the devastation wrought by the mystery combatant’s could only be caused by an enhanced human. It is likely that, if our former theory is not true, a group of the Adeptus Astartes are operating in your area, and have simply deemed it unimportant to inform us of their presence. Quite right, too! We would recommend consulting uplifting pamphlet 6698//c: Correct Forms of Polite Address In the Presence of Imperial Heroes, Volume 6: Codex Compliant Space Marine Chapters in order not to offend any Reivers you may run across.

  1. [Redacted]

Our third, and most likely theory is simple but undoubtable, given several key pieces of evidence.  It can be none other than

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There you have it, Guardsman! The mystery is conclusively solved. Worry not; those responsible for such journalistic endeavours have been appropriately awarded with the Copper Aquila for Conspicuous Gallantry (Second Class) and have taken such efforts in their stride. It now falls to you to embody such valour on the battlefield.

++ Thought for the Day: ?Reason begets doubt, doubt begets heresy.? ++


* While we admire your piety and attention to detail, we would advise you remind your commanders of just how distracting such a deluge of written content can be to the brave writers of the Regimental Standard and the Departmento Munitorum?s profound distaste for those who waste its operative?s time, so that they may make more discerning choices about what information they pass on from their men to their betters.

** Please note that while treachery may produce a brief, chemical reaction that feels ?thrilling?, such a thrill is akin to that of leaping off a cliff, or forgetting to bow in the presence of a Commissar, and will certainly result in similar effects – or worse.

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