Cadia will never fall, experts confirm
Great news boys and girls,
Cadia is being invaded.
We?re sure you?re all delighted to hear that you will finally be able to test out those skills we spent all last afternoon since planetfall practicing. You will finally have the opportunity to show those mutant scum in the Eye what for, and give them a taste of cold Cadian steel!*
We would like to take this opportunity to remind you that our tactical overview experts remind us that there is a 0% chance of Cadia falling to the forces of the Arch-enemy. This is due to four reasons which we have summarised here for your convenience:
1) Our Troops are the Best
Stationed on this world, we have the greatest concentration of Imperial forces in the segmentum. Amongst them are so many regiments of the renowned Cadian Shock Troops that the Adeptus Munitorum has been counting them for days and is still at it. And let?s not forget your own regiment**: skilled and efficient killers to a man, especially after the extensive drilling and training regime all of yesterday afternoon.
The enemies’ troops, on the other hand, are a rabble of mutants, renegades, beast-creatures and madmen barely worth of the term ?army?. No match for the might of the Astra Militarum.
2) We have Faith!
We are joined by Celestine – a Living Saint of the highest order!
What do those faithless heretics in the Eye believe in? Crazy notions of gods in the Eye apparently – just the fevered dreams of the insane.
3) We have the Technology
Archmagos Dominus Belisarius Cawl has arrived to lend his aid with the full support of the Adeptus Mechanicus. While you may not have seen, or even heard of, this individual before, we can assure you he is held in high regard by the priesthood of holy Mars, and has only Cadia?s best interest at heart.***
4) We have the Adeptus Astartes!
We are fortunate enough to be blessed with the presence of a Black Templars crusade, as well as warriors from over a dozen other Chapters. The enemy have some limited Heretic Astartes presence, but these are a pale reflection of the glorious warriors who march to war at our side.
So there you go.
The war for Cadia is all but won, now go out there and make your Emperor proud!
Thought for the Day:
?It is better to die for the Emperor than to live for yourself.?
* Actual Cadian steel bayonets reserved for actual Cadian regiments, you will be issued with Ryzan iron blades that, contrary to the above statement, are not Cadian in origin, or steel, or cold – in fact, they are prone to overheat and melt with excessive lasgun firing.
** Addendum: Imperial Tacticians did forget to incorporate your contribution into their calculations, as they estimated your contribution would be negligible.
*** Interesting fact – most Archmagos replace their hearts with more efficient bio-oxygenator pumps. Regardless of where Belisarius Cawl?s heart is, we?re sure Cadia?s best interests are there.
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